Bachelor’s pad

Thru the Lens of the Youth:

Typical Ugandan bachelor posing on a car

If you have ever had stockings in your cups, washed Monday’s dishes on Sunday, laid the bed only on weekends and ate chapatti, chips and eggs for 300 consecutive nights in your one or two roomed house, thank God I am writing to an experienced man. That right there, is what we can call a bachelor’s pad.

For the rich freaks who grew off the billions of your daddies, I will break this up for you. A bachelor is a man who isn’t married.That man could be single and lonely or even single and extremely sexually active. It all depends on his reasons to be single. He could be a very docile boring puppy or explosive sexually active man who won’t accept to tie the knot until his private parts have seen it all. There you go, that’s a bachelor.

A pad is not the game thingy you spent your childhood romancing and neither is it the bread like stuff you shove into your teenage daughter’s suitcase as she leaves for school, but rather a slang for the little place, bachelors call home. So there you go, that’s a bachelor’s pad.

So well, we know about it, so what about it? For starters, the experiences you have in this place may qualify as the last time you ever have fun. In fact if you don’t have fun in here, you will only have it in your grave, which is a stupid way to give up your fun because we are not sure winged-angels play the harp for you when you die.

Only cartoons have this evidence and if you can trust a cartoon, well, the harp theory could be true and you can stop reading here. Have a Television and a couple of speakers so loud, they make the iron sheets vibrate.

In fact for the speakers, you can have an entire orchestra to yourself for the last time in your life. You will never have the liberty of blaring music that loud for the rest of your life. The moment you try is when you will meet you death, either by the decibels that will blow your head off after a day’s stress or you own wife.

On your television, feel free to flip all the channels you want. When you finally marry and have kids, you will have to go weeks without sex because your wife is mad at you for missing her Telemundo special in the name of your Arsenal game.

Plus, you will have to make those gladiator faces to scare your kids away from the cartoon channel atop forming weird regulations to suit your taste in channels, it’s either now or maybe never. Ever heard of the remote battle? No? Hang in there, you will.

Second, I am not saying you leave your boxers in the cups or on your dining table and lay your bed once in three weeks, but when you do, make sure it comes with such joy because these are some of the reasons your wicked 3-year old wife will list when trying to divorce you.

In your bachelor pad, it’s okay. In marriage, you will be forced to iron your boxes and looking for a cup to insert one might be hard work because it wouldn’t set a good example to your kids. So, why? Have that freedom when you can. BUT! Make sure you are cautious with this kind of freedom.

All bachelors have these trial and error relationships. Your would-be future wife would freak out when she finds three-weeks old milk in the kettle, sticky socks you wore in the rainy season that was three months ago and sheets which have a smell so strange it causes nausea. She won’t become your wife.

As your future homemaker, she knows this will be her mess to sort and trust me she won’t be that happy to help. She is not planning to grow a bent back because she was picking littered stockings. A neat guy might win this one. I am using “might” here because even with facts on the table, love wins. Hitler too had a girlfriend till his demise.

Your bed speaks a lot about you. So maybe you can quit the silly jokes and have one that actually makes a statement. This isn’t a joke pals. Steal a bed if you can but a good quality one speaks volumes. Good volumes. I know a creaky one speaks its volumes but they are always loud enough to keep more carpenters near than actual women.

So unless you want to be stuck in a gay carpenter relationship, for the sake of your woman, make sure you have a top notch bed. Always remember that you can rashly fix your room and hide yesterday’s rice, but unless you can do a Houdini on a bed or at least have a major from Hogwarts, replace it.

Always make sure your clothes and utensils are in order at least on the days of her visits or your pals’ visits. No one will vote you as hall president or even a leader if all they remember of you is a messy room. So on visits, please and please clear the room. On the other days, do whatever you like.

Have class when the girls start coming and enjoy this life while it lasts because Hurricane Marriage is coming up. I am not saying marriage is an evil blizzard that erodes all happiness, that will be a topic for another day, but you need to enjoy this level of life when you still can.

Also, this is rehearsals for your next level of life, so just as you are having your lazy fun, practice a few skills of home management, you will need them.

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