My wife wants me to grow a beard

Awkward Ideas:

What is in a beard?

At this time am contemplating on whether to grow a beard or not.  My wife wants me to grow a beard yet I don’t like it. I don’t know why she insists that I should grow one; yet other women don’t like them. Actually they fear beards. Did you know that the fear of beards is called pogonophobia?

Someone who seems to support my wife told me that beards increase the social status of a man. In the Dixson and Vasey (2012) study on beards, it was observed that women found men with beards to look older and appear to be of a higher social status. But if a beard is a good thing, why does the international boxing association prohibit amateur boxers from having beards?

She told me that she loves touching beards. If I don’t have one then whose beards has she touched? I need to get serious here; someone could be eating my cookies.  I have also heard that touching a man’s beard could result into a duel in the Middle Ages. A man’s beard was seen as a sign of virility and honour. Why would anyone even think of touching it?

I have also been briefed that there are things our beards can do that are weird and wonderful. First of all beards can increase your overall strength by 27%. They can also make you instantly more attractive to women. Beards also make you a better musician.

Did you know that beards also make you wiser?  The world’s wisest men have all had beards. Think of Confucius, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Jesus…and others. I don’t think they just lacked razors to clear their beards, they needed them on. Actually NASA has never allowed a beard astronaut on the moon, in case they emasculated any Aliens we may encounter. Beards are the world‘s number one weapon in defense of zombies.

Those of you who have read history, you can still remember that The Knights of the Round Table were all required to have a beard. It just couldn’t exceed the length of King Arthur’s majestic ginger beard. Even Stroking your beard in public is not weird and don’t feel uncomfortable to do it.

Listen to this if you are a fisherman. Fishermen don’t have beards because of lack of shaving facilities, it’s actually because it improves you chances of catching fish by 34.67%. Don’t force a man to shave his beard.  Every time a man shaves his beard, an Angel loses its wings. We can’t afford to have our good angles without wings.  Am also yet to find out if a man with a beard can induce a female orgasm lasting over 23 and a half minutes on average.

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