Life & Style
Honey I am pregnant
See, that there is no food. It is one of those statements that can trigger a riot. An intense one where shirts get torn.
Two, they don’t want to be told it’s over. Even when the reasons are very clear, they will hang on, crying out statements like: It’s not what it looked like, even when you caught them red handed cheating with a man or woman twice their age.
The third one is obvious. Just never tell an average youth that you’re pregnant unless you are sure he has no history of fainting or high blood pressure. A friend of mine had a mind-blowing first reaction which was sweat droplets coming out of everywhere, eyes reddening and a sudden loss of appetite. In brief, he shared the characteristics of a chicken with coccodiosis.
So, what exactly is this phobia about? Well, first of all, it goes back to what they say about most humans. We never calculate consequences of anything we do. Going into unprotected sex, one would have to understand they are making a laptop, not a baby. However, we choose to ignore the truth.
So, when that once hot girl calls you with the “we need to talk”- kind of tone, you just have to get ready for the bomb drop. A guy, who is as timid as I was 10 years ago, will switch off his phone, change names, relocate to Iraq, learn Arabic and have a plastic surgery. That is the power of the random baby breaking news.
So, how are we supposed to react to the news as young adults? First, never show any shiver, gesture that is of negative feedback. Your girl friend will have this sense of assurance that he has a man for keeps. Quickly hug her and drop your pulse if you can. See, it is equally scary for her.
You might be the dumbest guy she has ever dated before and the thought of her having a dumb kid in her womb gives her the creeps. So, like you don’t scream with your son during a movie, don’t try to pretend to be scared when she breaks the news.
Find a conducive place where to digest the news, otherwise from experience, the scare from the Intel, can make you sit down, wherever it finds you, be it a hot plate, if it’s the only seat-like item around.
Make future plans because as we speak, you two share a soul. You are mum and dad to someone. I know you are broke and your only source of income is mummy, but calm down. This worked as a good wake-up call.
NEVER speak of abortion. It’s her baby. Don’t lecture me about the local “mwana wa musajja”-rubbish; it’s her body that will stomach that baby for nine months, so she makes the choices. Speak of abortion, and if she doesn’t go with it, you are a dead man. That son will never like you. By five, he will be rehearsing how to kick your groin.
Never doubt the paternity of the baby. Even if you are sure the girl has slept with more men than those at a military parade, by the time she points at you, just know, your gametes were the most stubborn. Congratulations! The “that baby is not mine”- kind of stuff, will bring in the DNA test and you won’t run away from that either, so just calm down, Sip your favorite drink and watch the events unroll.
However, we forget the most crucial part of everything here. Why in the world would you have unprotected sex in the first place? See, gametes are fetching you babies and a life time demand of child support. We are speaking of millions of shillings here. Billions to be exact. However, the last time I checked, a condom cost below 1000 Ugandan Shillings. So, do the Maths and make a choice.