Bored in the Bedroom? Here’s How to Tell Your Partner You Want Something New

There’s this pervasive belief in our society that if you and your partner are Meant to Be, sex will always be a kaleidoscope of swelling music, dim lights, fireworks, and orgasms aplenty. (See: every season of Bridgerton.) And sure, it might be like that in the beginning. But if you’re in it for the long haul, chances are there will be times when your preferences and desires change. And that’s totally okay—not a sign of sexual doom.

“It’s normal to want something different and not always be on the same page,” says Martha Kauppi, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and author and founding director of the Institute for Relational Intimacy. “The longer your relationship is, the more unavoidable it is.”

The physical changes that come with ageing can also mean that what once thrilled you in the bedroom may now barely register—or even be painful. And even the most beloved sexual routine—one that had you high-fiving each other as you leapt out of bed after a quickie—can become, well, routine.

Everything changes: our bodies, our circumstances, and our repertoire

No matter why you’re hungry for something new, it’s on you to bring up that desire. “Your partner doesn’t know your body nearly as well as you do—you live in it, and they are here for a visit,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, a certified sex therapist and the author of Drink Water and Mind Your Business.

Of course, that’s easier said (or rather, not said) than done. Oriowo says it’s incredibly common for her clients to struggle with communication, particularly when it comes to voicing what they want. “People don’t always know how to talk about sex,” agrees Kauppi.

So how do you say that you’re interested in, perhaps, light spanking or tantric workshops without bruising your partner’s ego or blushing all the way to the tops of your ears? We asked the good doctors for advice on how to keep communication honest, open, and, ideally, kinda hot.

1. First, play up the positive.

As tempting as it may be to cut to the chase, don’t lead with what’s not working. Instead, come from a place of yes, and (sans cringey improv vibes à la Che from And Just Like That), focusing on expanding your sexual horizons together.

“It’s important to make this conversation a positive experience for your partner, so don’t lead with complaints or a laundry list of what they’re not doing,” says Kauppi. “Start with what you like even if it hasn’t happened for a while: ‘Remember that time when we did…? I loved it so much. What was it like for you?’” Next, says Kauppi, make a clear request: “Would you be interested in doing it again sometime? Because I sure would.”

If you don’t have a specific act in mind but just want to get the ball rolling, try leading with a question: “Is there anything that you’re interested in doing that we’re not doing now?” This helps take the pressure off and makes it more of a brainstorming session than a confrontation.

2. Tell your partner what’s going on with you.

If sex doesn’t feel how it once did, you have to clearly spell that out for your partner rather than assuming they’ll notice. Oriowo says that might sound like, “I’m finding that this feels a little too sensitive. Can we explore some new things?” The goal is to “let them know that you’ve changed. Sometimes a partner needs reassurance that you’re not saying that you don’t want them, but that you don’t want this anymore,” she explains.

“Everything changes: our bodies, our circumstances, and our repertoire,” adds Kauppi. And interestingly, being years in with your partner might make it easier to navigate said changes. “Over time, we may get better at taking an emotional risk toward vulnerability with our partner,” she says, especially if we’re more comfortable in the relationship than in the early days when we were aiming to impress.

3. Do some “research” together.

Introducing novelty in the bedroom can be a good thing—a chance to get that vacation-sex feeling at home. Approach this as a joint project, like picking out kitchen countertops, but worlds more fun. Oriowo suggests saying something like, “I like our routine, and I want to add something new to the repertoire so it can be spicy.”

If you’re not sure where to start your sex-life upgrade, look around. Oriowo recommends starting with porn (try Bellesa, which offers women-directed films), other sensual films (anyone else weirdly turned on by the private dance scene in Anora?), romance novels, or erotic audiobooks from apps like Dipsea or Quinn. Or follow sex educators on social media (Shan Boodram, Emily Morse, and Juliana Hauser are great options) and send your partner videos that get your blood flowing. “This can be a great gateway to a discussion, like, ‘Oh, did you notice that? I’m down to try something like that,’” she says.

4.  Exchange fantasies without cringing.

If your sex life is vanilla (yet still delightful—French vanilla!) and you want to get more kinky, speak up! “Ask your partner about their fantasies,” suggests Oriowo. “It doesn’t matter that you’ve asked before. As long as both of you are still alive, you’re still changing and learning and growing, which means that you may have some new ones.”

If you need a jumping-off point, she suggests downloading a “Yes, No, Maybe” or “Willing or Won’t” list from a search engine. “Get a list, do it separately, then come together with a clean third list and fill it out together.” You can see where your yeses match up and talk through the mutual maybes. “Now you’re able to have a conversation about what you want to try or not try.”

5. Talk with your body too.

“Communication about sex can be verbal, and it can be nonverbal,” Kauppi reminds us. If something’s not working in the moment, for example, take your partner’s hand and move it differently, or to where you want it. (And then give a very vocal, “Oh god, yes,” to affirm they’re now in the right spot.) “That would be a very effective, noncritical way of communicating what I want,” she says.

Life may be a highway, but in a committed relationship, sex is a long and winding road trip. And you get to change the itinerary as you go along to end up wherever you think sounds like the most fun place to linger. The important thing is to remember that there are two of you in the driver’s seat—or the backseat, wink-wink.

Source: Oprah Daily Magazine

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