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When she finally says that your child is not your child

Isa Senkumba

When she finally says that your child is not your child

Men are never sure whether they are the real father’s of their children

I recently read a poll-guided survey report conducted in the UK last year which showed that nearly one in 10 mothers does not know who fathered their child. This means there are potentially 2.1 million couples in the UK where the father isn’t the biological one. This is what happens elsewhere in the world. Men are out there busy and proudly raising children they think are biologically theirs which is not the case and the mothers have retired into lofty isolation, very silent about the issue.

The old saying that children are owned by their mothers only tries to tickle an imagination out of us all that a child’s father can change at the will of the mother. That’s why fathers are always hesitant to mention the number of children they have before consulting their wives. Only mothers know who the biological fathers of their children are.

A woman can intentionally name a man to be the father of her child when she knows he is not the biological father, often for the purposes of collecting child support. Sometimes the mother does not want the alleged father to know about another man. This is called paternity fraud. This problem is as old as the hills and it is becoming more and more of an issue in today’s world.

But let’s start from the reality that there are women out there involved in multiple sex relationships. A woman may have irregular periods and uncertain ovulation time. In case she got pregnant she cannot easily trace the actual time she conceived to be able to know, out of the many men she slept with, who made her pregnant. If you are unsure about the father of your baby, you will probably be feeling anxious. Some women, however, try not to let such concerns make them too stressed. They get calm and try to focus on looking after the pregnancy and the baby after delivering.

On the other hand, majority of the women know the true biological fathers of their children but they choose to keep it a secret. We have heard confessions such as: “I don’t know where to start. I have been with my man for years now and we have a son or daughter who is a grown up teenager. I cheated on my man and fell pregnant but because I didn’t want to jeopardize my relationship, I decided to lie about the paternity of the child. He thinks that he is the father of the child and he loves the child so much. Guilt is killing me but I have nothing to do because damage is already done. I also want to save my relationship because if I let the cat out of the bag many people are likely to suffer the consequences,” many a woman could say.

Reality has always proved that while many years may pass, the truth finally comes out and of course with more devastating and life-changing consequences. Everyone involved will suffer the emotionally devastating impact, which may well be accompanied by equally devastating legal and financial consequences. Your child will suffer the untold pain of re-orienting his or her relationship with a man he was raised to believe is the father once the truth comes out.

It is important to know that children build their entire lives around the information given to them by their parents as they grow. Their entire security, identity, self-confidence and self-worth stands on the shoulders of those that play the parental role in their lives on a day-to-day basis. And they trust everything they are given by those playing mom and dad in their lives.

One of the benefits of being a woman is that you know for sure if you have become a parent. Less certain, for some women, especially if multiple men are involved, is who could be the father of the pregnancy or born child.

Men on the other hand are reliant on someone else to tell them. When that someone else isn’t honest, things can get very messy. That’s why a woman who fails to disclose the truth only prepares death trap for the unsuspecting victims. It is always important to realize that the truth must be told before things get out of hand.



Isa Senkumba is a social critic

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