How I wish God made me an animal

Awkward Ideas

A group of gorillas enjoying family life

If I met God I would heavily blame Him for creating me as a human instead of an animal. You guys have no idea how good it is to be an animal.

Take an example, > human beings can go without food for up to 73 days before they die but crocodiles can push up to two years without food. Now who is the winner? Of course, the crocodiles.

Let’s talk about the quantity of sex being enjoyed by some animals. On average a human being has sex 100-130 times per year. This is way too small compared to hobonobos (Chimpanzees) that have sex up to 10 times per day. It is not only about the quantity of sex but the quality of sex as well.

Not only do animals enjoy the deed, they also have orgasms.  By watching facial expressions, body movements and muscle relaxation, many scientists have concluded that animals reach a pleasurable climax.  Ask women, how many of them have reached orgasm. Many of them have never in their lifetime.

Some of these animals like the chimpanzees in the apes’ family have ‘sex and not war’ like some people do. Actually if there is a single saying that best encapsulates what life must be like for the chimpanzees, it is “make love, not war.”

These animals are constantly having sex with each other, and for any number of reasons. They use sex to greet each other, as a way to prevent and alleviate social conflict, for reconciling and for the pure enjoyment of it.

Did you know that they also engage in French tongue kissing, face-to-face sexual intercourse, and even oral sex? They also refrain from forming monogamous relationships, and do not discriminate based on age.

Female chimpanzees, in a coalition with other females, will withhold sex from non-cooperative males. That said, they are by far the most peaceful primate on the planet.

How many of you don’t want to be a lion? Personally I want to be one. It is good to be a king. The lion is a fearsome carnivore with virtually no predators to be concerned about.

And indeed, given a lifestyle that essentially involves hunting, eating, playing, sleeping, and having lots of sex.  It is definitely a lifestyle to be envious of. They are not tasked to think whether it is Besigye or Amama to win the erection (sorry, I meant election).

Did I tell you that animals at the Zoo feed better than most Ugandans? First of all they have special doctors, they have attendants who are actually human beings, they feed well basing on nutritionists’ instructions and they are taken on outings.  Don’t I have good reasons to wish that God made me an animal?

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