Designing your marriage

Musician Bobi is known for complimenting his wife Barbie all the time

In a family meeting recently during the just concluded celebrations of Idd, a discussion erupted after watching a news piece on television, the discussion was about how stressful life has suddenly become and what can be done.

One of our senior family members gave us something that he called the panacea of all the worldly stress: He told us ……..if you want to kill stress, get married1.

After a prolonged silence, and the  recovery of the initial shock of the statement, we had the courage to ask him, how marriage becomes a cure for stress,  while most of us even think that we would be better off if we weren’t married.

His answer was a lengthy lecture on what makes our marriages  a misery and often never  last.

In short, he explained that we often start the journey of marriage on the wrong footing,  that we  usually base our marriage on the outside qualities that are known to wither and fade, rather than the inward qualities that are known to never change.

He also emphasized that even if one got a partner that has the qualities of an angel, without a clever mix of a variety of things, that are meant to  cement the marriage, the marriage cannot survive. But with a proper mix of patience and endurance a marriage will be ‘heaven’ even if one is married to the devil.

So here are some of the extracts that I learnt from the old guy’-

Don’t marry someone you hope to change

This is the first point that interested me; dear reader, did you know that people never change although I have always suspected this, but the old man confirmed it. If there is something that you see in a potential lover that you wish was different, take heed. You either accept the person as they are or just look for someone else.

Be tough

Any relationship/marriage needs someone with a tough skin: This is always a pre-requisite needed for any persons who wish to indulge in any relationship especially marriage. The old man says that when one marries, he/she should know that they have formed a partnership that end like this ’till death doth us part’, He gave us a reference  that the good book, says’ people will leave their parents and cross seas and mountains, so that they can be ONE’, one can’t manage this fete  if one isn’t tough.

Communication

Communication is so vital that not only for human beings but the whole animal kingdom: There are some relationship counselors who would put this on the top of the list for any relationship to prosper, but few couples give themselves the arena to really communicate openly and freely.

Spme start their relationships on a deceptive note then coming back to real communication becomes  an uphill task, picture this, if your woman has been faking orgasm for a full year, how does she start telling you later…darling I have been faking it …… all this time1

Play sex even if you don’t want to

Intimacy will cement or weaken your relationship, so be ready to be intimate even when you are not in the mood. It has been proven that touching each other and making love releases some chemicals from the brain that helps in bonding. A balance is however needed here because too much of anything is always bad.

Compliment your spouse everyday

There is something about a compliment that is way above all verbal communications in a relationship. Compliments bring a sense of being appreciated, it does not have to be something big, you can always look for things your partners do and show some appreciation. To know that a compliment is very important, the religious heads tell us that we must always ‘compliment’ and give thanks to the Almighty…….do this effortless act and it will bounce back to you.

Lastly, marriage is not a bed of roses, time will come when you will have to fight each other, but how you fight your partner is totally different. In fact there is a full book that teaches partners how to fight, its called “how to fight fairly” so if this sub topic can be transformed into a book, this is how I can summarize it … “learn to  okay your partners different opinions”

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